I’ve been too scared to weigh myself today. I’m getting better and better at restricting and fasting for short amounts of time, suppressing the hunger is becoming second nature. It’s my family and my surroundings that are the problem.
Yesterday my whole family went to see my new apartment and pick up keys for it. Afterwards my brother suggested we have lunch together. I had managed to get out of having breakfast at my friend’s house, where I’d spent the night and was planning on skipping lunch as well.
But then we had to go out, and every time people buy food for me, I feel so utterly guilty. I hate myself for every bite I put into my mouth, but I so don’t want to disappoint my family – or even worse, make them suspicious of my eating issues. Getting out of the house and having my freedom is so close, that I don’t want to jeopardize it by flauting my anxiety.
I had an omelet with tomatoes, onions and parsley. It was like ginormous! And as if that wasn’t enough, they served potatoes on the side. I felt awful eating it. Every bite was a failure. I managed to pimp out some of my food, offering it all around the table as I was the only one having omelet (everyone else had opted for burgers and the like). But there was still so much left for me to consume all on my own. I felt like crying.
Afterwards I didn’t have a chance to purge. We had to take my brother to work, before my parents dropped me off at the train station. I did, however, not eat anything else at all the rest of the day, and didn’t even find it difficult not to.
I have to have dinner with my parents again tonight. I’m thinking about telling them I feel sick, so I can get out of having to eat. Only problem is that I’ve been using that excuse quite a lot these last few weeks. My mom’s already begun to worry that my anti-depressants are causing me to feel sick and is keeping a close eye on me.
I think this is going to be a purging day. If I can’t get out of eating, at least I’ll avoid some of those horrible calories.
I’ll let you know how it all works out.
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