Growing up, I struggled with my weight. It wasn’t because I ate out at McDonalds 7 times a week or because I considered chocolates and desserts as a food group. It all started with me being diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome, which then became vitiligo which then became other problems and so on and so forth. All together, I ate steroids for a combined total of 13 out of the 18 years I have been alive. Yipee! The doctor that gave me the steroids claimed they didn’t contribute to the weight gain. Other doctors said it was the primary reason. While I was in high school, I never really let it get to me too much. I was comfortable in my own skin and I was confident. Confident that I would be successful and make it somewhere in life despite how I looked.
After a rough year, and dropping out of university to take a year off, things changed. My appearance began to bug me a lot and I found it hindering my everyday life. I was all set to make a change.
Enter surgery. The surgery kept me out of the gym for a few months and I am finally back to try again. I even went and decided to get a personal trainer and do it the right way without giving up.
As motivated as I am, I am also very scared and self-conscious. I always feel like people are constantly judging you. Being of Indian decent, I am no stranger to being judging and stared at by others. Whenever I went back home to India to visit, my family, relatives, family friends, and anyone who cared to show up, would all stare and wonder why I was so “big”. Often times, they explicitly made a point of asking my parents or grandparents who had to regurgitate the sob story of my life. When I step into a gym, I feel all of that coming back. The feeling that people are staring and thinking, “oh look at her, she must spend all day eating” without even considering any other possibilities. Those feelings force me away from everyone into a little hole that I do not want to leave, Away from peoples opinions, expectations, or judgements.
Truth be told, I am sick of letting my weight control my life. I don’t want to be the “smart kid” just because I am not pretty enough to be good at other things. What if I really want to be a slutty party animal? Not that I have any intention of becoming that person, I’d like to have the option. And I’d like to be able to stare at a picture of myself without the process being painful.
Monday starts the beginning of a new journey. My attempt to lose more than 60 pounds by September. I hope I can use my perfectionist approach and achieve this goal the same way I do with others.
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